P.S.S I'm in love with you.

There are a lot of things.. I find that I take for granted..
A lot of words I'll say, and wish I hadn't..
But one thing that's different, has to be finding love..
and I found it in Alexander.

No I'm not talking about your old, run of the mill , "boy meets girl" story. This is realer than most.
Is it possible? To feel so young and so in love? Is it possible to feel so sure? Am I the only one that's vulnerable..? Impossible.
We were born to tell each other, "I love you."
And, that's definitely a song already, and that must mean I get an F for originality.

But as I go about this, I'm trying not to be cheesy.

But I feel so complete..Like, you wouldn't know unless you had it. Nothing else compares but at the same time, everything you see or do just reminds you of the other person.

Now, it's been 10 months.. what almost feels like years.
But having said this.. There's not a day I don't wish to wake up to his face every morning.

He loves me for me, and his love helps me become I woman I will be tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
I see him, and I can't see anyone else. When I sit on park rocks and look on to the horizon, all of my future is uncertain but my gaze would still look towards him.

I'll remember, how he surprised me, on our 6th month anniversary, with flowers.
I asked him "What's so special about the 6th month?"
and he would say, "Why not? It's half of 12." The roses matched the month too.

I'll remember how I got annoyed that we haven't been on a real date in months.. then one day in June, around the first week of the month (way far away from the 28th) I find myself having hot dogs and fruit that I prepared for him at the boating pond at Central Park.
And he would say "I'm sorry. Is this an ok date?"
As if he had any doubt that it wasn't going to make me smile.

Recently, we went on a 3 day trip to Pennsylvania, to help our friend Trish move in to her new apartment for gad school.
Two nights we would stay.
and two nights, I happily woke to his cute chinky sleepy face and morning breath, and it's things like that you can't help but love, no matter how silly.


I can't tell you how many time's I'd get mad or go a bit crazy and needy. Maybe it's my hormones (which is usually is), but at the end of the cold treatments and shrugging off I may do, I still would do anything just to have his face near mine, just telling me in that soft slow tone voice of his, "I love you." And though I am stubborn and won't say it right away, I hope he can see with my eyes that I'm hurt, but I would die of heartbreak if I didn't have him next to me.

Today is our 10 month. He came over and we watched "P.S. I Love You". A movie, which I thought sounded corny when it first hit theaters.
But he caught me tear up so many times.. and he continued to hold me throughout the entire film.

The story was sad and beautiful and I definitely recommend any girl go watch it with the man they love.

I love how I can be myself around him, and not think twice. I don't think I could ever love another man like I love Alex.
But for now, while he is on this Earth, kissing my cheek as he holds me and makes a stupid face to get me to look his way and laugh,
I'm not going anywhere.

If there are lonely nights where I'll delve myself in thoughts of him just to keep me company, I'll go ahead and go crazy because I know he is thinking of me too, whether I fail to realize it then or not.

But I look forward to the future with wide eyes. Because I'm not done loving him, and well face it, I won't be.When I decide to grow the hell up or not, he'll be doing it with me.



I dunno why I'm really saying all this. I'm not even sure how to really end it. I can never shut up if its about him.
I guess I just hope he knows someday That I am sorry for everything I have done and did and will do. You are the best thing that has ever entered my life and I am very fortunate. I never ever took your love for granted and I'm glad to call you my best friend, best man, best lover, best of everything.

Moral of this story is?
I love you.

What was normal..?

Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!

and Rob Schneider is, THE STAPLER!

dangit South Park.. you have this stuck in my head. NOT COOL. omg lol

Anyway, Trish kept me up studying because she told me she saw a bat flying around her room. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT!

But anyway.. It's day 4 1/2 since..

I was afraid I'd come off selfish.
I care and just want to be helpful..
I don't want to cause more trouble even though I'm hurting too and don't want to be alone..
I can't get my mind straight and it's hard to do what I have to,
especially since Alex is hurting so bad.
Each day goes by so much slower and it's killing me.
I don't know how to act or what to say..
I don't feel like myself and I'm scared..

But I have to breathe and stay optimistic and pull through..it's all I can do..
For their sakes..and for my own sanity.
But damnit it's just so hard and my heart aches..

Time..Don't waste its sweet Melody..

I looked at the date of my last post..

11 October 2009..

You've missed a lot since then.

October 28, 2009. Who knew I'd meet the man of life.
It's been 7 months since then..Too soon to say?
Well.. A promise is a promise..


Another day is going by I'm thinking about you all the time But you're out there And I'm here waiting And I wrote this letter in my head Cuz so many things were left unsaid But now you're gone And I can't think straight This could be the one last chance To make you understand I'd do anything Just to hold you in my arms To try to make you laugh Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past I'd do anything Just to fall asleep with you Will you remember me? Cuz I know I won't forget you



Happy 7 month to Alexander A. Gonzales & I.
Happy 20th Birthday to Kyle Manister.

Happy Mothers Day, Birthday and Every day.. to Melody Gonzales.
Born on the same day as my mother-from-home Trish McCarthy, in 1966.
The wife to a jolly war veteran Alex Gonzales.
The mother of 5 wonderful kids:
Lyle Gahd Gonzales
Purita C. Gonzales
Mel Gonzales
Alexander A. Gonzales
Monica Gonzales

Second mother to
Xavier Fermin and.. me..


This day, May 28th, 2010.. , and the night before were the most grueling nights I can remember.

I had a test today. It's summer. The temperature was in the 50s-low 70s. Hoodie and jeans weather.
Microbiology Lab exam began at 8:30am sharp. I was 2 mins late.

Bam. Done. Counted what I knew I got wrong.. Here's hoping for an 82.. She'd be proud...
Last night I studied.. I did it because he told me to..what else could I do? I did it for him.. I will continue to do it for her..

Lab right after the test.. didn't realize it till 14 mins after wandering around aimlessly searching for people.
I fell asleep during his instructions.. I was worn out after it was done.

Went to crossroads, fell asleep from 12:14-1:34pm. Got up.. talked to Juan. Got the call..
Alex: Rememeber how I said it was my cousin? I lied.. It's my mom.. but.. I'm better than before..She's stable now.."
Hang up.. sucky service..I eat a chocolate rice crispy.

Lecture.. Head hurts from lack of sleep. Eyes a little red and weary..
I get the text around 3:34..
Alex: "She's got 2 days.."

...I rush out crying.

All the rest is a blur..
Me and my parents reach the hospital. Montefiore on Gun Hill.. by the 4 train.. trish's area..

Tears and familiar faces..
I have her mother's day present waiting for her...

Hours pass.. I visit her room maybe 3 times..
1st: broke down
2nd: talked to her, made amends, closure..love..present..promises..
3...

It all seems so..unreal.
Seeing the faces of her children.. ones I'd never expect to even feel remorse came to me and hugged me and cried on me..
"So.." I thought, "this is what family feels like.."

Shorty's like a Melody in my head..


Her name.. It's like something you're supposed to keep stuck in your head..


This..
Brain aneurysms don't happen..This wasn't CSI, this was E.R., this wasn't General Hospital, this wasn't House... I clearly was being Punk'd.

This..
doesn't happen to good people..Fact, this fatality couldn't've been more wrong.
"She has a strong heart" his father said... How DARE you mess with that.. I thought.


She was so natural and soft.. just like I thought she would be.
I still noticed the eyeliner on her.. she did both upper and lower lid.. usually like to do just upper..
Her brow pencil was gone.. she didn't need it. she has nice delicate eyebrows.
I didn't realize there was some brown in her hair.. Alex matches that.
They're too much alike.. heh..

"TITA! DON'T GO!" I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.. I wanted her to hear me..
I want to stop the inevitable.



tell me tell me what makes you think that you are invincible I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable impossible



I held her hand..
I remember when she used to hit me.. Poke me, pinch me..she's was such a filipino mom..
I rememeber how she sounds..



I will always love my nickname.. VannVann..

Alex.. call me it one more time so I can hear it..



I remember her teasing me, i remember her telling me to eat, I remember her telling me to sit down, come here... I remember her hello's, her goodbye's, her thank yous, her "huh?"s and "okayy"s.. But I'll never forget her "VannVann".


She was a saint.. Alex's elementary school friend Mike was right.

I remember her kare kare, her longanisa, her nilaga.. The cups, utencils, plates, fruits, cakes, cookies..

I remember how Alex tells me she'd always ask about me..
I remember Alex telling me "I always talked about you.."

I remember her waking around in a tshirt and undies, hah, I've seen her so natural.. I felt like part of their family..
How badly I want to be a part of their family..

I wanted her to be my mother -in - law.. just so i could have the excuse to call her mom.
She was pretty and sweet. Kind and bubbly. Spunky and real.

I loved her laugh.

She knew more about me than my own parents combined..
She took me as one of her own..
I felt like myself around her..
God, I grew to love her..
I'm so honored she liked me...


Alex's kryptonite..
Alex's puzzle piece
The family's backbone
His dad's best friend..
The most beautiful woman..







I'll do anything for you Kill anyone for you So leave yourself intact 'Cause I will be coming back In a phrase to cut these lips I love you The morning will come In the press of every kiss With your head upon my chest Where I will annoy you With every waking breath Until you decide to wake up I've earned through hope and faith On the curves around your face That I'm the one you'll hold forever If morning never comes for either one of us Then this I pray to you wherever I'll do anything for you This story is for you




I know I'm not her child..

Alex.. I saw your face and I've never felt so vulnerable..and scared and unsure and useless..
Mel..I never thought I'd hug you in my life.. you were always so strong to me
Monica..sheesh..not you..You're a powerhouse..I couldn't watch you lose it..
Purita..i see her in you..you're both so beautiful
Lyle.. baby lyle..How I wanted to make this all one big dream just for you..




Stories were exchanged..tears came and went..

But It was time to say goodbye.
Her heart fights it..but

......

Melody Gonzales mother, wife, friend, saint. 12 April 1966- 28 May 2010.


I will miss you forever and always.
I could go on for a lifetime..
And I hope your spirit does the same.
Watch over us.
I promise to love Alex for all time and care for the rest of the family as much as I can.

I know Im not on your level, but I'll try my best to love them as you did.

I will work hard for you. I will always keep you in my thoughts.

I'll be here waiting.. Until you decide to wake up.

Love always Tita.
-VannVann

p.s. I'll try to love my family as I loved you and yours. For your sake.