..Let My Mind Sketch Poetry in Tune to my Heart..

P.S.S I'm in love with you.

2010-08-28T17:02:00.004-04:00

There are a lot of things.. I find that I take for granted..
A lot of words I'll say, and wish I hadn't..
But one thing that's different, has to be finding love..
and I found it in Alexander.

No I'm not talking about your old, run of the mill , "boy meets girl" story. This is realer than most.
Is it possible? To feel so young and so in love? Is it possible to feel so sure? Am I the only one that's vulnerable..? Impossible.
We were born to tell each other, "I love you."
And, that's definitely a song already, and that must mean I get an F for originality.

But as I go about this, I'm trying not to be cheesy.

But I feel so complete..Like, you wouldn't know unless you had it. Nothing else compares but at the same time, everything you see or do just reminds you of the other person.

Now, it's been 10 months.. what almost feels like years.
But having said this.. There's not a day I don't wish to wake up to his face every morning.

He loves me for me, and his love helps me become I woman I will be tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
I see him, and I can't see anyone else. When I sit on park rocks and look on to the horizon, all of my future is uncertain but my gaze would still look towards him.

I'll remember, how he surprised me, on our 6th month anniversary, with flowers.
I asked him "What's so special about the 6th month?"
and he would say, "Why not? It's half of 12." The roses matched the month too.

I'll remember how I got annoyed that we haven't been on a real date in months.. then one day in June, around the first week of the month (way far away from the 28th) I find myself having hot dogs and fruit that I prepared for him at the boating pond at Central Park.
And he would say "I'm sorry. Is this an ok date?"
As if he had any doubt that it wasn't going to make me smile.

Recently, we went on a 3 day trip to Pennsylvania, to help our friend Trish move in to her new apartment for gad school.
Two nights we would stay.
and two nights, I happily woke to his cute chinky sleepy face and morning breath, and it's things like that you can't help but love, no matter how silly.

I can't tell you how many time's I'd get mad or go a bit crazy and needy. Maybe it's my hormones (which is usually is), but at the end of the cold treatments and shrugging off I may do, I still would do anything just to have his face near mine, just telling me in that soft slow tone voice of his, "I love you." And though I am stubborn and won't say it right away, I hope he can see with my eyes that I'm hurt, but I would die of heartbreak if I didn't have him next to me.

Today is our 10 month. He came over and we watched "P.S. I Love You". A movie, which I thought sounded corny when it first hit theaters.
But he caught me tear up so many times.. and he continued to hold me throughout the entire film.

The story was sad and beautiful and I definitely recommend any girl go watch it with the man they love.

I love how I can be myself around him, and not think twice. I don't think I could ever love another man like I love Alex.
But for now, while he is on this Earth, kissing my cheek as he holds me and makes a stupid face to get me to look his way and laugh,
I'm not going anywhere.

If there are lonely nights where I'll delve myself in thoughts of him just to keep me company, I'll go ahead and go crazy because I know he is thinking of me too, whether I fail to realize it then or not.

But I look forward to the future with wide eyes. Because I'm not done loving him, and well face it, I won't be.When I decide to grow the hell up or not, he'll be doing it with me.

I dunno why I'm really saying all this. I'm not even sure how to really end it. I can never shut up if its about him.
I guess I just hope he knows someday That I am sorry for everything I have done and did and will do. You are the best thing that has ever entered my life and I am very fortunate. I never ever took your love for granted and I'm glad to call you my best friend, best man, best lover, best of everything.

Moral of this story is?
I love you.

What was normal..?

2010-06-01T03:35:00.003-04:00

Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!

and Rob Schneider is, THE STAPLER!

dangit South Park.. you have this stuck in my head. NOT COOL. omg lol

Anyway, Trish kept me up studying because she told me she saw a bat flying around her room. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT!

But anyway.. It's day 4 1/2 since..

I was afraid I'd come off selfish.
I care and just want to be helpful..
I don't want to cause more trouble even though I'm hurting too and don't want to be alone..
I can't get my mind straight and it's hard to do what I have to,
especially since Alex is hurting so bad.
Each day goes by so much slower and it's killing me.
I don't know how to act or what to say..
I don't feel like myself and I'm scared..

But I have to breathe and stay optimistic and pull through..it's all I can do..
For their sakes..and for my own sanity.
But damnit it's just so hard and my heart aches..

Time..Don't waste its sweet Melody..

2010-05-29T02:15:00.005-04:00

I looked at the date of my last post..

11 October 2009..

You've missed a lot since then.

October 28, 2009. Who knew I'd meet the man of life.
It's been 7 months since then..Too soon to say?
Well.. A promise is a promise..

Another day is going by I'm thinking about you all the time But you're out there And I'm here waiting And I wrote this letter in my head Cuz so many things were left unsaid But now you're gone And I can't think straight This could be the one last chance To make you understand I'd do anything Just to hold you in my arms To try to make you laugh Cuz somehow I can't put you in the past I'd do anything Just to fall asleep with you Will you remember me? Cuz I know I won't forget you

Happy 7 month to Alexander A. Gonzales & I.
Happy 20th Birthday to Kyle Manister.

Happy Mothers Day, Birthday and Every day.. to Melody Gonzales.
Born on the same day as my mother-from-home Trish McCarthy, in 1966.
The wife to a jolly war veteran Alex Gonzales.
The mother of 5 wonderful kids:
Lyle Gahd Gonzales
Purita C. Gonzales
Mel Gonzales
Alexander A. Gonzales
Monica Gonzales

Second mother to
Xavier Fermin and.. me..

This day, May 28th, 2010.. , and the night before were the most grueling nights I can remember.

I had a test today. It's summer. The temperature was in the 50s-low 70s. Hoodie and jeans weather.
Microbiology Lab exam began at 8:30am sharp. I was 2 mins late.

Bam. Done. Counted what I knew I got wrong.. Here's hoping for an 82.. She'd be proud...
Last night I studied.. I did it because he told me to..what else could I do? I did it for him.. I will continue to do it for her..

Lab right after the test.. didn't realize it till 14 mins after wandering around aimlessly searching for people.
I fell asleep during his instructions.. I was worn out after it was done.

Went to crossroads, fell asleep from 12:14-1:34pm. Got up.. talked to Juan. Got the call..
Alex: Rememeber how I said it was my cousin? I lied.. It's my mom.. but.. I'm better than before..She's stable now.."
Hang up.. sucky service..I eat a chocolate rice crispy.

Lecture.. Head hurts from lack of sleep. Eyes a little red and weary..
I get the text around 3:34..
Alex: "She's got 2 days.."

...I rush out crying.

All the rest is a blur..
Me and my parents reach the hospital. Montefiore on Gun Hill.. by the 4 train.. trish's area..

Tears and familiar faces..
I have her mother's day present waiting for her...

Hours pass.. I visit her room maybe 3 times..
1st: broke down
2nd: talked to her, made amends, closure..love..present..promises..
3...

It all seems so..unreal.
Seeing the faces of her children.. ones I'd never expect to even feel remorse came to me and hugged me and cried on me..
"So.." I thought, "this is what family feels like.."

Shorty's like a Melody in my head..

Her name.. It's like something you're supposed to keep stuck in your head..

This..
Brain aneurysms don't happen..This wasn't CSI, this was E.R., this wasn't General Hospital, this wasn't House... I clearly was being Punk'd.

This..
doesn't happen to good people..Fact, this fatality couldn't've been more wrong.
"She has a strong heart" his father said... How DARE you mess with that.. I thought.

She was so natural and soft.. just like I thought she would be.
I still noticed the eyeliner on her.. she did both upper and lower lid.. usually like to do just upper..
Her brow pencil was gone.. she didn't need it. she has nice delicate eyebrows.
I didn't realize there was some brown in her hair.. Alex matches that.
They're too much alike.. heh..

"TITA! DON'T GO!" I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.. I wanted her to hear me..
I want to stop the inevitable.

tell me tell me what makes you think that you are invincible I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable impossible

I held her hand..
I remember when she used to hit me.. Poke me, pinch me..she's was such a filipino mom..
I rememeber how she sounds..

I will always love my nickname.. VannVann..

Alex.. call me it one more time so I can hear it..

I remember her teasing me, i remember her telling me to eat, I remember her telling me to sit down, come here... I remember her hello's, her goodbye's, her thank yous, her "huh?"s and "okayy"s.. But I'll never forget her "VannVann".

She was a saint.. Alex's elementary school friend Mike was right.

I remember her kare kare, her longanisa, her nilaga.. The cups, utencils, plates, fruits, cakes, cookies..

I remember how Alex tells me she'd always ask about me..
I remember Alex telling me "I always talked about you.."

I remember her waking around in a tshirt and undies, hah, I've seen her so natural.. I felt like part of their family..
How badly I want to be a part of their family..

I wanted her to be my mother -in - law.. just so i could have the excuse to call her mom.
She was pretty and sweet. Kind and bubbly. Spunky and real.

I loved her laugh.

She knew more about me than my own parents combined..
She took me as one of her own..
I felt like myself around her..
God, I grew to love her..
I'm so honored she liked me...

Alex's kryptonite..
Alex's puzzle piece
The family's backbone
His dad's best friend..
The most beautiful woman..

I'll do anything for you Kill anyone for you So leave yourself intact 'Cause I will be coming back In a phrase to cut these lips I love you The morning will come In the press of every kiss With your head upon my chest Where I will annoy you With every waking breath Until you decide to wake up I've earned through hope and faith On the curves around your face That I'm the one you'll hold forever If morning never comes for either one of us Then this I pray to you wherever I'll do anything for you This story is for you

I know I'm not her child..

Alex.. I saw your face and I've never felt so vulnerable..and scared and unsure and useless..
Mel..I never thought I'd hug you in my life.. you were always so strong to me
Monica..sheesh..not you..You're a powerhouse..I couldn't watch you lose it..
Purita..i see her in you..you're both so beautiful
Lyle.. baby lyle..How I wanted to make this all one big dream just for you..

Stories were exchanged..tears came and went..

But It was time to say goodbye.
Her heart fights it..but

......

Melody Gonzales mother, wife, friend, saint. 12 April 1966- 28 May 2010.

I will miss you forever and always.
I could go on for a lifetime..
And I hope your spirit does the same.
Watch over us.
I promise to love Alex for all time and care for the rest of the family as much as I can.

I know Im not on your level, but I'll try my best to love them as you did.

I will work hard for you. I will always keep you in my thoughts.

I'll be here waiting.. Until you decide to wake up.

Love always Tita.
-VannVann

p.s. I'll try to love my family as I loved you and yours. For your sake.

The City..

2009-10-11T11:27:00.004-04:00

So one of my friends coming in from out of state asked if I could hang this weekend and I obliged.

It's the day I would go meet him and a few others in the city.

I thought I could be bold and do it by myself.. since I couldn't get someone I really wanted to travel with me to go..

I proceeded to go to the Metro North via Mount Vernon West. I went to Grand Central Terminal.

I was told to take the 4 train... and here is where my "adventure" turned into a "misadventure"..
I took a glance inside the train and realized it wasn't going to 33rd street.. the place I was supposed to meet these people.
So turned around to the opposite side to take the 6 train and as I peeked inside, it said it goes to 33rd! I was happy! I rushed on..

Until.. it passed 33rd....28th....and I ended up in 14th St Union Sq.
I was..rather confused.

I tried again. Went back on the 6 to Grand, and then went on the 4 train.. which.......took me right back to Union..

Sad, and having missed nearly a whole day and opportunity to hang out, I go back on the 4 and retreated back to Grand Central.

I sat in Grand Central for nearly an hour, had some YUM Kalamansi gelato from Ciao Bella and some YUM califlower cheddar soup from this place that I forgot the name of, till on of my best friends who happened to be in the area decided to meet me up for a bit.
We spent a half an hour or so with each other till I decided I should just go home.

All in all, I was very annoyed and felt like such a loser for having spent my whole day looking nice and getting lost in NYC.. :\ this is how much I fail at life.

And BY THE WAY~

This is for my best friend who met up with me at Grand Central;

Happy 21st Birthday Erik [re: 09 OCT 2009]

SUSHI! ONIGIRI!! :3 desudesudesu LMAO not..

2009-09-14T02:15:00.004-04:00

Me and my Ate attempted sushi and onigiri.
we made that, and a mess lollers :3
By the way, Kanye you're mean! lol

Trey Songz, C&R, and a wonderful day :]

2009-09-12T20:37:00.003-04:00

Tired as fudge, I start my day.
Grab my left over C&R and have that for breakfast.

The 7 bus came so late.. But somehow, I was still early for class.

I go to my A&P Lab class, and was definitely falling asleep. Good thing he let us out early.

. . . I nap HARD till 1pm. I'm definitely half asleep still and like 5 mins late at this time.

I make it to class only to find that there are an uneven amount of people in the class so I had to complete the lab myself, which proved useful since I got it done so fast and got out early.

Then I went to go back to Seton to hang with Ian. We chilled for a while; him looking at sneakers and me playing Rock Band2. I attempted Hard and Expert... and it was- no surprise- epic fail.

We eventually went out for food. Got some chinese and then headed to Target for a time-killing adventure.
We looked at games and he bought a book and a Transformers Tee. Pretty sweet.

Then we went back to his dorm, ate our food and watched Mr. Deeds. It's so funny to me cuz I KNOW i saw that movie before.. yet I remembered NOTHING of it. I felt kinda sad realizing how my memory fades so fast.. and easy..

Bragi then calls, and we head over to the concert.

. . .

After many shout outs and having the constant beat-down of rain pour upon us - to which at this point, we were all already soaked, minus the abundance of umbrellas..- my sneakers were wet like crazy, but then finally some performances came on.
Lady Swagg from Yonkers, represent ;]
and some Jamaican dancers...
and then FINALLY
TREY.

. . .

He put on a great performance- making all us girls wet, minus the rain ;] TEEHEE - and sung great songs. Most i knew and think he sung like 5-6 songs. He was quite the crowd pleaser if i may say on us girls behalf ;D

But yes, Loved the concert, "LOL :-)" was a fun performance. made me LOL :]

I saw him bite off Ian's tongue thing and i was like nah chill, you ain't Ian. haha

But yes, thouroughly enjoyed his performance. Glad he came out in the rain, even though he made us wait soaking wet for like, ever...

Afterwards, Ian & I hit C&R REAL quick. Lol, we wanted to get our food and bounce cuz we were both DRENCHED. Party in the rain, all day every day lol!

We got back, he let me borrow one of his shirts and then we watched American Dad and ate.

Great day, great performance, great food, great night.
Lol :]

As the first 2 weeks go by..and SUPRAS, O MY!

2009-09-10T01:35:00.003-04:00

So it is nearly the end of week 2 of school. . .

Am I happy? Yes.
Pleased? Sure.

Classes aren't as bad as I imagined. Breaks sure do make it better :]

Lets have a quick synopsis of teachers...
Miroshnikova for Stats : Ah, still I have yet to understand a thing she says... Yet, she is not a bad teacher. She does problems in a nice format, not too overloading, very even pace.. And today, we were going over a new method and I found myself momentarily stuck on solving it. She comes over just in time and easily fixes my problem. I was pleased at this, myself and her for a job well done. I hope I continue to do well :]

Bocchino for A&P Lecture/ Lab: A&P at night; probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm wide awake, I learn a lot and its cool stuff. He's a great teacher and really knows how to explain the vast knowledge he has. Lab is quite a tough cookie for me.. being an 8:30am class.. I TRY to stay awake.. the bitter cold in the lab only makes me more sleepy though..however, still not much opinion on this. I will have it again in 2 days.

Lee (aka Jeff Foxworthy) for World Lit: didnt see too much of him, but so far, he's straight forward. I learn a lot. He's an ok guy.

Rollins for Chem Lecture: UGH. boring. She just BABYLON. Get it? Baby-lon? babbles on? hah, at least that's what i usually say instead of babbles on. lol.. yea... any way i draw in her class. Really NICE drawings too. . . . . . :]

Lara for chem Lab: still no opinion.
AND LASTLY...

Molinatti (aka the Gay Dictator) for Intro to Nursing: He is gay and scary with a vengence.. and at the same time.. horribly boring.. and white... every second I'm there, I feel like dying .. or just falling asleep..UGH. UGH BLEH GOSH!
Today though, I saw the class wasn't going anywhere when he asked the first question of the day from the readings and me, surprisingly knowing the answer, astonishingly raised my hand and answered. I was terribly shy though even when he asked me a follow up question which I also answered. I kept fiddling with things and couldn't look him in the eye... :[ why am i still shy...?

Anyway, today I learned some cool card tricks from Jerel. Coco keeps trying to kiss me and its annoying... I saw the new pavilion :] it sure is pretty. I got a nice pic of Matt and Mike being gay, I got a cookie today, but best of ALLLLLLLL

I hung out with Coy-boy today and GOT MY SUUUUUUUUUPRAAAAAAASSSSS <3 + some well needed C&R :3 mmm

Now me and Tae Yang are forever bonded. <3 <3 <3

The end :3

First Day of School. [Junior Year Fall 2009]

2009-08-31T23:57:00.005-04:00

Definitely not the kind of day I expected at all.

First it started of nice and hectic as normal.
The usual "OH GEEZ! I DIDN'T WAKE TO THE RIGHT ALARM! WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE!? WHAT WILL I WEAR!?", as I scramble to shower and all that other stuff girls do, but never tell.

Finally deciding upon an outfit, (which was hard enough when I was choosing between "show stopper", "keepin' it real" and "studious" outfits I had planned out in my head), I went along with "studious" and somehow managed to make it out of the door on time.

I knew my luck was good when a woman who was walking her dog came by. The dog came up to sniff me and naturally I couldn't resist to pet him. <3

~ ~ ~

Managed to make it on the bus, and on time. Seemed like things were just nicely falling into place. No awkward turtle moments or any annoyances what so ever. It was a very pleasant trip to school.

Got to school. Came to Stats early. Sat down. Ian scared me with a water bottle and his scent (lol) and as the lesson progressed, I found it strange (and quite funny) that I understood everything we had to learn, but NONE of what she said. Mirosnikova has such a THICK accent!

Then there was break. Hung with mostly Ian.

Then there was World Lit with flippin' Mr. Jeff Foxworthy, yo. Haha. But nah, Mr. Lee was chill peoples. He made me lol. However.. the work load did not at all amuse me... Still not sure how I feel about this class yet.

Then I had Chem with Monique :]. Rollins is boring. I sorta fell asleep towards the end of it.. I'm kinda worried about how I will be for the rest of the semester with this class.. ^-^;

After that, I went to return Ian his camera that I had for like.. ever.. and then got picked up by Bragi and this dude named... Joyce... YES. JOYCE. I lol'd too.

He smoked.. wasn't too thrilled about that.
Bragi, looked pretty as always :]

We hit up McDonalds, dropped off Joyce, picked up her sisters and her mom, dropped her mom to work then hung at her house and Cross County.
It was fun seeing her again, and having a chill time with her sisters as well. Just goofing off with them was, to me, very refreshing. I never usually hang out with just girls. It's nice to know I still can have a girl's day out and not be such a tomboy. I was a bit nervous, but I laughed a lot and they seemed to like me. :]
~ ~ ~

No class till 6:30pm tomorrow! I wonder what the day will have in store ;]

<3
Bragi
<3

lol.

Reflection: New School Year begins...

2009-08-29T16:52:00.017-04:00

So I am relaxing to a cup of tea on this, soon-to-be Saturday evening.

I find myself complacent in light of recent evens and several upsets.

I can't remember the last time I was so copacetic with the fact that I am home doing nothing on a Saturday during the summer.

In one day, I will be back at school, taking the same ol' route and doing the same ol' thing, every same ol' day...

I can't say I'm excited, yet I still I still can't shake the anxiousness I'm starting to feel deep within me.

Soon it will get colder and my shorts will go back to being lost in my drawers somewhere.

Soon I'll be figuring out what to cosplay as for NYAF.

Soon I'll be wondering what will my costume be for my first Halloween with Ate Avi... and yet school will be the least of my thoughts.

I drink this tea, in a "cheers to-" sort of fashion that I'll remain focused and mature and goal driven as I have been this summer.

I hope love won't control my life, but rather find a natural place within it.

I hope to grow alongside my friends and loved ones and find that future I've always wanted to be closer.

..Goodness this tea is yummy...

I love how I have become so goal-oriented. Soon, I'll be going to get my license. Soon, I'll be looking for my second job. Soon, I will be pursuing nursing classes to what I thought would be for the "career that would never happen for me".

Still, while I strive to be the "me" I want to be, and sculpt my future...
I can't help but ponder about the obvious...

What WILL be my future?

I guess I'm still scared of the uncertain.
Every year for me, it's the same deal.

I'm a faithful person now... So I'm doing a lot of praying. I hope I'll make the absolute best out of this year.

I pray for everyone and good luck to a brand new year.

And I hope...

...all my friends will be right there with me on my journey.

I really do love them all.

God Bless to all!

ONE MOOOOOORE THING! yes my events are out of order :\

2009-08-27T01:14:00.008-04:00

Ah. Summer.

adventures to talk about.

18 Aug 2009. Beach day at Rockway :P

wake up mad early..
beach day with Trish Erik & Dan.
had my period lol...
had to use a tampon for the FIRST TIME. mad scary.. lol

got to the beach, had to go to some random cardiologist office by the beach in Queens and shove that thing up there.. mad weird... :\

met up with Erik's girl, Suemi :]

swam, got thrashed by waves.. lost a contact.. :\

nearing end of day...

.. lost my wallet.........
devastation.. and more.. i cant even explain...

looked to God for my only solace....

got a lecture from dad ..but it was worth it.. i understand him more now.. have more faith in God.

next day, found out bright and early some really good person found it and reported it to my dad's job.

i had EVERYTHING in that wallet. ids, debit card, money, house keys.. my whole life..
and god and a good person gave it back to me :]
dad drove me to Queens, we had lunch with one of his friends.. and

wow.. lesson learned and fun day out with friends.. much needed too. :]

Next day, went to Palisades with Trish, Spaz, Alex, Erik and Dan.
shopped around. bought red pants :]
had a grand ol' time with the friends ;]

17 Aug 2009

had a pool day with Dani and Mich. then we went to applebees.. and ate really well.. then i drove! :D
then mich drove.... O_o;;

lol. you already know.

~~~~
Went to Lake George from 12 Aug- 14 Aug with my fam. It was ok. swam and took pics.

Saw "The Little Mermaid" on B'way on 07 Aug.

Went to six flags and bronx zoo with my crew and animeNext with my boys..
Ian+Dad's bday and a sweet 16..

and of course showing my Ate, Avi, who is staying with us till Dec, around NY and having more grand ol' times.

and last but not least, 25 Aug

had a lake day with Olivia, Diamond, Oliver, Alfredo, and new ppl Jiovanni and Nicholas :]

Nicholas got cut up BAAAAAD by some glass and i aided him :]...
with pads.. and mad bandaids..

then we went to A&P picked up a nice cheese cake sampler.

went back to Oja's and Mike's apartment and showered, kicked it, watched movies, had a meal especially made by Oja<3,>:P

and THAT's been my summer up until THIS POINT.

4 more days and summer is GONE ppl! :[

let's MAKE IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

OH GEEZ. Passing out and Yank-EEEEEEEEs

2009-08-26T23:57:00.004-04:00

HAH.

Ok.
So it's was about, 1-ish a.m.

Ate comes in saying "Call your mom", and that always a guaranteed cranky morning.
I'm def not a morning person.
You wake me up wrong, I get mad.
You call me before 3 pm.. I get mad.
You call me constantly.. and txt.. and voicemail.. I'll get mad.
You ask me to get up for you or do something for you when I'm STILL in bed..

yea..in other words.. i am NOT a morning person.

So evidently I called my mom. She gave me news that we were going to a Yankee game today. Naturally I got excited (despite my current lack of mental comprehension) but of COURSE there was a catch.
"You are to take a cab to Woodlawn station, and then take the 4 train to Grand Concorse..", she says, and I'm like... "...."... which in Vanessa language means... "aw heck no..."
You dont ask me to do complicated things especially when i JUST woke up.. and not even willingly too.

So i started mass txting ppl. "Are you busy? Yankee game?"
After fifty billion "no"s, or "busy cuz i suck" b.s., i finally got a YES from DANI!!!<3 .. (after much confusion and rushing and stuff of course). I got up ,rushed to get ready.. ppl txting me in the meantime and im like "dude uugh.. i'd love to still talk but im rushing..." and still being txted ....
Then dad says his friend, Wilson, our usual hook-up man , was gonna pick us up and take us to the train station.
I was like, all good- saves money.
Also, good looks to Dani's mom, for driving us all to Lincoln Hospital...

-
oh yea.. thats the catch mom was telling me about...
me and my sister needed physicals... :\

Now.. phyicals to me.. never meant a good thing. I hate going to hospitals.. for my own account. I get real bad anxiety. Like, it always just smells like a hospital, always so cold like a hospital.. and i just.. HATE GOING. PERIOD.

So the closer and closer we got.. and the minute mom took me and my sister away from the rest of the group relaxing in the lounge........i knew..

So I go first.
Naturally, being older.. :\

Doc asks me a few questions.. the usual. drugs, smoke, drink, sex, emo.. that stuff.
Does the less paining examinations..
then they started discussing my shots.. and i thought i heard like 4...

I WAS CLOSE.

They bring me to another room.. i see the lady preparing like 6 needles.. im like O________O;;;;;;
I sat there, she brought them closer..

and ok here's the deal.
Im not scared of needles. I just get nervous because in the PAST ive had a few bad experiences. recent past. Like when i was younger, yea- the works- crying, tantrums.. needles are evil, that whole thing. I grew a bit older, nah they dont hurt, they're whatev.. still dont like them but they are whatev.

12th grade blood drive. complete black out and much unnecessary blood loss due to carelessness and no supervision. blood wasnt passing thru the tubes to the bag. they tried jiggling the needle around in me and boom. i wake up pale as a ghost with tons of bloody tissues everywhere.

age 18 physical. i threw up due to having 5 shots. i got a half cup of water..like some joke.

and today..?
one TB test. no prob. bubbled a lil and no itchyness/discoloration/discomfort.

hep..A shot? i believe? felt that liquid go in me.. i start to get really dizzy and really nauseous...

3rd and last was the somewhat painful HPV shot..
nurse goes to do.. whatever
i was listening to my music during all three sohts..
last song i remember was "Rockin' that thang" by The Dream.

the next thing i knew, im laying down and trying to be helped up by 3 ppl.. not sure who..
they asked me some questions.. till i heard "want something to drink" and i voiced out "yes" as much as i could.
i felt like throwing up.

they gave me a cup of coke and i was still listening to music.. but really teary eyed.. i was scared..

hearing about it was the worst...
my sister and cousin relayed the story on me;
apparently i got really dreary eyed.. swaying a bit..short of breath..my lower lip turned pale and i slumped then fell back, blacked out.
Kay said the last thing i said was "Kayla..." and i thought that was kinda sweet in a really morbid way.. my cousin said as i was out, i jerked a bit.. and my sister thought i was gonna die, and my cousin thought i was gonna have a seizure.
i just remember being really nauseous then really sleepy.

it was pretty nuts..
mom and then nurses were just joking around about it.. saying i am a scardey-cat.. and weak and "how am she gonna be a nurse? hahaha"
...i sure wasnt laughing.

i went out to see Kay's danielle and my danger d (<3) in the waiting room. dani got my txt about me passing out and she laughed.
it felt good to at least joke around about it with friends. lol.. still.. scary stuff.

thennnnnnn

Yankee stadium!!!
~
~
~game~
~
~
Yanks against Texas Rangers.
[#32 hamilton YOU SUCK! lol]

A-Rod still sucked... lol.

ppl were cheering Melky.
the ppl behind us had giants jerseys and we were like ???? wrong game yo. haha

there was also this kid going thru puberty and hollered like crazy and sounded like he had laryngitis.

all in all, interesting day.

Yanks pwn'd. 9-2. Dani and Danielle and Avi are good luck ;]

will def do that again.
i ate like 2 hot dogs and a pizza.

took lots of pics. but those go on FB :P

just looked at my TB shot.. and its not supposed to grow.......................
i think im gonna sleep now... my arms are gonna be SOOO immobile by morning...

peace y'all :]

05aug2009. Happy 28th Birthday Ate Avi :]

2009-08-06T00:55:00.004-04:00

MY GOOD GOLLY GOSH.
what a day..

::pause::
sorry, my fore head was itchy.

but anyway,
today we (as in us gals) went to the Palisade Mall <3>
i told the rest of them and then we went to Fridays. i had the borcolli and cheddar soup... mmmmmmm
our waiter was weird lol

we got home (AGAIN lol) and put a candle in the cake we bought Ate and wished her happy bday, took pics, the whole dish- and the finally ate some of it...
omg..
heaven would taste like that cheesecake man... omg.....GODiva cheesecake F T W!

then we started laughing at nothing, looking thru old pics.. and now we are all chilling.

i'd say a day well spent...EMPHASIS ON SPENT. lol <3

FMLoL

2009-07-16T03:35:00.006-04:00

!!!ATTENTION!!! SPOILER ALERT!
IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE OR DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING
DO NOT READ THIS POST!

Today I went to go watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with two of my friends. Just as the movie was beginning, I yelled in the theater, "Dumbledore dies!" as a joke. Towards the end of the movie..Dumbledore actually died. I murdered Dumbledore. FMLoL

I know I promised to keep this light hearted, but SOMETHING has to be said..

2009-06-26T03:14:00.006-04:00

Quote

YouTube - Michael Jackson

Ok, i didn't want to say so on his comments, but he kinda.. sounds like that crying emo dude that talks about Britney Spears; i forget his name.

But while they both seem rather overly passionate, they do bring the real underground truth- That we do tend to look at these icons as celebrities and not people.

But it's true, that they are NOT just people. Not ordinary people. They are famous for that reason- they are different and chose to be different. To stand out in this world, and show themselves TO the world, come as they are.

But there is darkness in all the flashing lights that is fame and fortune.
Never a dull moment? More like never a moment in peace.
And that is were shows like TMZ prey on.

and this is where these people are most vulnerable, and the paparazzi and tabloids and people in general will not stop pushing at them, till they get something more shocking.

That's why i don't really get it when people want to hit it big so bad, like rappers and such.
But its more than likely ALWAYS about the money..
And showbiz is just that. A BUSINESS.

A business that EVERYONE will be a part of. Your business is everyone's business.

Now, I'm not here to preach about how we should leave these people alone.
No one will listen, and lets face it, no one wants that.
MJ wouldn't be in our hearts thru his life and passing if it WASNT for his fame. We'd all would just see him as some guy on maybe some internet meme as like "guy who changed his skin color cuz he hated being a nigga LOL" or "guy who like to keep children out on windows like airing his laundry LOL".
We respected him for his music. the very business that, well, in my opinion was probably killing him from day one.

I'm not gonna preach about how they are normal.
They are not. they are the american dream, the idol, the inspiration, the music- the whatever you want them to be for you.

I'm not gonna preach about how media is bad.
Because it is, and it isnt.
Media made MJ famous. Media made MJ look like a joke. Media made MJ a symbol in our hearts for eternity.
Media is movement. It is what feeds the generation. Without it, face it- we would know nothing.
And dont come at me saying, "oh you dont need media. you can have old fashioned books, and news papers and radios!" well, are these not all media too? our not our very mouths the very media in itself? the words of god you spread, the very exhanges of love, the gossip you spread- is this not all-
MEDIA-–noun

1. a pl. of medium.

2. (usually used with a plural verb) the means of communication, as radio and television, newspapers, and magazines, that reach or influence people widely: The media are covering the speech tonight.

Synonymous with MEDIUM. SOMETHING that is used to carry something, or gather something.. whether it be a lead pipe or a mouth.

Now, what i AM going to preach about, is just how SAD it all it. How sad a death is. How sad people can alienate someone. How sad that fame HAS a darkside. How SAD it is that there are shows out there and other forms of media, that ATTACK an individual; and make them look ugly- WHEN THE BUSINESS IS UGLY ITSELF.

I wonder if this is all we humans look for. Crys out to want fame. Shows that attack the famous and for what? To show their ugly side to make the PEOPLE smile?. Is that what we want? To further portray our insecurites and ugliness when we can all work on trying to be less insecure, and less intolerable, insensitve and less UGLY. on the inside and out.

Isnt it hard.. to name ONE "celebrity" that hasnt had a SCANDAL or been front cover of a magazine with some tabloid.

But when a death happens, its EVERYWHERE. news flash, top story, front page, CNN, Twitter, facebook, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHHHHHH!

This isn't 9.11 people!

No one dropped the OMGbomb when friggen BERNIE MAC died.
sorry if that was a harsh spoiler to ANYONE who didn't know.

I'm not gonna say I wasnt amused with the death of Michael Jackson.
I'm not gonna say I wasnt saddened by the death of Michael Jackson.

What I will say is that i was deeply influenced by the death of Michael Jackson, and i have my own opinions. He was a great artist and icon. I can only hope, he had the life he wished for, and lived it to the fullest. It was a real shame of his passing. But i wish him to,
J.I.P.
Jam in Peace
Michael Jackson.
1958-2009

[edit 3:22am]
I also wanted to add that i do like David Choi. i respect him as an artist, and to the extent of my own knowledge, as a person as well.

I dont have like the extreme biography of Michael Jackson, so i cant say i know enough about him to say he was a great person. I will never know him personally. Some of the acts that he may or may not committed, regardless we obvious done in a not-so-great state of mind.

i absolutely loooooved MJ's work. He was a true musical visionary and he set the standard, broke the mold, turned up the heat- you name it.

and people are likely to say that.. you dont know what you're missing till its actually gone.
its a shame people say that as if he was never appreciated through life at all.

he was though. every listener, every fan, everyone out there who was just in it for the music man. that's the cool lingo that everyone speaks, listens, and understands..whole heartily. Even when the rest of the world doesnt understand you and how you feel, the music is always there.

MJ would've wanted us to remember him as a a cool figure that shaked the ages. That's all anyone really wants in fame. That innocent, "hey i'm here! look what i can do!" can-do attitude.

also on a WAAAAY different side note, [David, im soo sorry if it offends you, and i know its totally out of place to say,] but if he like, had longer hair, he'd totally look like Harold, from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.
Like the way his voice sounds; its so much like John Cho. I respect them both; equally talented in their own ways :]

First Post Ever: Let's Get Straight to Business! > Filipino Day Parade and Angels&Demons

2009-06-08T01:54:00.004-04:00

Well well now people its the first of (hopefully) many blogs on my day to day life. Gonna keep it nice and clean. Going to not rant. This will serve as... a chronicle, if you will. :]

Let's get this party started rightttt ~

FILIPINO DAY PARADE

The day starts off rather slow.
I wake disgustingly to the sound(s) of my cell alarm. I would've ran a little late, but I tried my best to not make Bragilyn (my friend) wait due to my "filipino time".

I shower and get yelled at by my parents about stuff, and head out to Bragi waiting outside in her car with her twin sisters.
We go back to her place where the whole fam regroups and we head off.

Failed attempts at trying to get one of the sister's boyfriend to roll with us, then long semi-quiet trip to the parade.

As us Autobots roll outta the car, Bragi and I dash off. We circle the block to find her friends (amongst them Jan and Martin) and then we go fiending for hot dogs.

After that, we walked down to watch the parade a little.
Saw her friend John and then got a grande Strawberries n Creme Frap at Starbucks.

Crashed the march where Jan and Martin were and saw the Basa brothers.
We eventually kept walking till we reached the Festival.

We all got some food and went to sit in the park.

Most of our time (just Bragi and I) was spent doing this.
In the crossfires, I saw:
Basa, Coy + friend Elisa, Coy's sneakerhead crew (few of which Bragi knows), Ronald, Marcel + Ning, Alvic, Richmon, Carina, Faye, Fran + bf, Jan and Sayuri, Monica, Monique and... I feel like I may have forgotten.. a couple.. but that's the good majority.

Mad filipinos. Felt nice and at home.
Had some pork sheskabobs and bistec and rice, and mad sago ;]

So we all chismis'd and quando and it was fun.
Made a couple of new friends, loved seeing familiar faces, got some hugs and laughs.

Over all a good day.. madddd exhausted..

~~~

Later, when the parade was done, we all hung out a bit at Bragi's. We relaxed hard body to "Bubble Boy", a movie I haven't seen, but now think its hilarious.

Then after much awkward turtle quietness, Bragi, her mom and I went to Cold Stone, to which after, they dropped me home.

~~~

Around the time I got home and was just about to relax, I get called out to go with my family and their friend's they met on their cruise to watch "Angels & Demons".
The marquee for the theater room said "Ang * Demons". Made me and mom's friend lol. Ang ng Demons

Great movie. I didn't expect it to be that enticing. I recommend anyone to see it. Still doesn't beat up tho lol ;]

and that is the end. :]